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Satire

The Resolution Farce

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By Kritika Anuragi, Batch of 2020

Disclaimer: Eighty three percent of me wants to sleep, and I still count on my fingers, so go ahead at your own risk.

Legend has it that the month of January was named after the Roman god Janus. He had two faces, one gazing at the forthcoming future and the other focused on the past. As January rolls around, and our facebook timelines brim with year review posts (Trip around the  sun…yay!), we are inclined to make a New Year’s resolution, a concept which is as legit as the US presidential election results! After all, life-changing decisions can be accomplished only if they are penned down on the first day of the year, right?

“I’m going to turn over to a new page, fix up my life, pull myself up from the bootstraps and abide by the evergreen tagline, “next semester phod dunga…” (Ignore the audience laughing in the background)

We, at The Alliance, feel you. Hence, we present to you words of wisdom by the lethargic elite.

  1.      Set realistic goals: Be a Phoebe and decide on piloting a commercial plane. Come on Ross, what the hell were you thinking when you resolved upon being happier?
  2.      Have patience: Making lasting changes takes time. Do not quit in two days, be optimistic for at least a week (or more, if you can)!
  3.      Publicize your goals: Bribe a friend to track your progress, or better, work on the same resolution. While we’re well informed of the odds of your success, it wouldn’t hurt to have company while facing yet another failure.
  4.      All or nothing:  Wasted the first hour of your designated three hours of study time? Forget the remaining two as well and start tomorrow instead. Makes absolute sense, right?

While the above-mentioned steps guarantee success at failure, let us debunk the most clichéd New Year resolutions ever:

  1.      Resolution to lose weight: Why? Being fat has its own perks. It’s easier, nobody can kidnap you and you cannot get fat, because you already are (Ouch!).
  2.      Resolution to eat healthy: Whoever came up with this bizarre idea was an impregnable moron, and the idea is popular because stupidity is contagious. Why would anyone eat broccoli and kale when pizza exists? Priorities in life, amigos.
  3.     Less TV, Netflix and YouTube: Now that’s plain mean. You are depriving the entertainment industry of its income. Besides, what will you do with your Wifi, if not watch Game of Thrones?
  4.      Live each day like it’s your last: Seriously, don’t even get me started on this.
  5.      Take up a hobby: Like what? Collecting stamps. Not to mention, I already have constructive hobbies. Studies have still not proved that eating and sleeping are incompetent to join the hobbies-squad.
  6.      Don’t let the deadlines sink in: Fakespeare said, “Besides the noble art of getting things done, there is the noble art of leaving things undone.” While social scientists vehemently debate that a sense of purpose and a desire to ameliorate the world inspires people; the only motivation, which is effectual for completion of a task, is the highly underrated last minute pressure. You’re welcome.
  7.      An end to procrastination: I will talk about this next year. (Fun fact: The deadline for this article was last week.)

If you are still feeling the nickeling urge to be a part of ‘New Year Resolution madness’, I have a few suggestions. Make resolutions you would adhere to; I will remain oblivious of the syllabus until the night before exam, will eat everyday, will complete 10 hours of sleep even if it’s in the classroom, will gladly spend the entire day doing nothing, will continue getting fake candids clicked by Junoon wala dost, will attend a lot of fests, will never go on that planned Goa trip, and finally, the engineers’ special, I will not have a girlfriend this semester too! (Triggered)

Happy New Year!

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