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Leisure

How to chat with The One

By Yashna Paliya, Batch of 2017

caricature
Caricature by Nishtha Jain, Batch of 2018

We go through a roller coaster of emotions when The One is the person in question.

Let’s start from the basics.

Replying over WhatsApp.

 

Me: Hey!

 

Wait. What about smileys? Is that too desperate? Am I asking for it? Does 🙂 mean I LOVE you? Is it a creepy stalker smiley? I’ll just add a smiley. Yeah.

 

HIM: typing..

 

Aaaaahhhhhhhhhhh. He replied BEFORE my smiley. I should’ve just added it. Wait..why is he taking so long? He’s reassessing his words. I am so amazing. Aww yeah. He’s weighing his words. You go, gurrrl.

 

2 seconds later.

 

It’s over. I should’ve added that smiley. He probably thinks I am just saying hey. I. Am. Such. An. Idiot. This is not working out. He loves somebody else. WHY? Screw THIS. I’ll just live with cats. Alone. Sure. Wait, I am allergic to cats. God hates me.

 

HIM: So sup? 🙂

 

Did he just add a SMILEY?? This is serious. I knew it. We are SO in love. What should I say? Should I add another :)? Wait, that’s two in a row. Too much happiness in a conversation. I’ll just be indifferent. 5 second rule. Does that even apply here? I’ll just be my charismatic self. Aw yeah. SLOW MO HAIR FLIP. So..I know.

 

Me: That’s what your dad said 😉

 

What in the ACTUAL F**K? I did not just say that! Abort abort. Do not send! I just screwed up a conversation with my potential true love. Great. I’ll just go die in a corner.

 

HIM: wait what? :/

 

He didn’t even get the joke. THERE WAS NO JOKE! This is disastrous. I will just stop talking now. Slowly drift into nothingness. Maybe he’ll forget this ever happened.

 

14 seconds later.

 

NEED TO KEEP THE CONVERSATION ALIVE!

 

Me: Soo..did you buy the books yet?

 

Yes, greeeat. Books. Very un-ghissu. You just got thrown out of the gang of cool. And any possibility of love. I can’t even believe myself. BOOKS?? So Ross. Should have just stuck with ‘How you doin’? Classy. I need to watch more Friends. Did I just digress? GET YOUR HEAD IN THE GAME!

 

HIM: typing…

 

OHMYGOD. He is replying! Probably saying bye, never text me again. I am too cool for lesser ghissus like you.

 

HIM: Not yet. I might go on Friday? Wanna come along?

 

WHAAAAAT. This is what I’ve been training all my life for. Hallelujah!  Praise the LORD!  “My milkshake brings all the boys to my yaaardd!” Woohoo. *victory dance all over the place*

 

Me: That sounds great! 🙂

 

Yeeah smileys now. We’re on the next base already. He is practically my boyfriend now. “We found love in a hopeless place!”

My mom will be so proud.

 

Him: Good. My girlfriend needs books too. We can all go. See ya.

 

….

Excuse me while I go look for my spare rope.

I’ll just buy a dog instead.

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