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Satire

13 Reasons Why You Should Hit The Road This Summer

Wherefore art thou, roads?

By Vaidehee Thakur, Batch of 2022

 

The author is in dire need for the fragrance of petrol, the aroma of garbage rotting away beside Indian roads, the vista of cattle ruminating upon those same Indian roads, and the orchestra of automobiles honking at different pitches and amplitudes across the jammed path that precedes an expressway. While these are the author’s excuses for craving a drive, here are 13 reasons why YOU should hit the roads right away.

  1.    You aren’t basking on Goan sands even this summer. Your Instagram feed has been flooded with dramatic photos from your friends’ gallivanting off to Nainital/ Manali/ Kashmir/ Georgia/ Arctic Circle/ North Pole. Your resolution to not envy others has been banjaxed to smithereens and you finally can’t hold it back anymore. So let it go and take your rusty car outta that garage.

 

  1.    What aspiring Instagram star doesn’t post #wanderlust #traveller #sunkissed #model photos of their ever-so-seldom conducted road trip, and caption them with the chorus stanza of their favourite song? Upload that contrived candid with the mile-long stretch of tar and let the soaring likes and comments massage your narcissistic tendencies.

 

  1.    You Instagram addict, you need a digital detox. Yeet yourself out of that sofa and rule the roads like a sheriff of machinic times.

           Yee? Haw.

 

  1.    If you have any fragment of penitence lurking beneath that guilt-free conscience of yours, unleash it and purge your apathy towards all those petrol stations that are getting deprived of their income.

 

  1.    You drag your unholy hostel feet/ suffocate in a bus/ die in the metro each weekday to commute to college. Now’s the time to let that poor student hibernate and awaken your inner tourist. Whaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaat. You say you snore in a cab instead because other modes make your delicate baby-smooth feet sore and your fragile exoskeleton tanned and jeopardise your swayamvar-ready look? You filthy rich brat, give your pocket some rest and drive to some countryside ashram to shed your materialism.

 

  1.    You will start looking like a charsi if all you do is stay indoors or go window shopping in malls. Thwart this horrific phenomenon by letting the fresh wind disentangle your locks as your car whooshes across the Yamuna Expressway.

 

  1.    Are you that unfortunate chap who has an exasperating chaep cling to you, your house, your room, and life? Do yourself a favour and drive that car of yours at 666 mph across a desert track. For better results, perform said activity right after having a shot of Martini, champagne and vodka each. Thus, bring an end to your life in a Fast and Furious – esque tossing of cars which will rid you of that chaep forever. Unless, clinginess is enlisted in the Devil’s book of sins and she ends up in hell a couple years later to chaepify there too. Que sera sera.

 

  1.    You may be rich and own a fleet of Lamborghini, but you’re a fat-headed moron if you don’t let your cars’ ‘shubh kadam’ grace the surface of every highway and glitter in other people’s eyes.

 

  1.    ‘Do you wanna build a snowman? It doesn’t have to be a snowman.’ If you’re anything like me, you’re too broke to fly all the way to Switzerland with a suitcase full of fur just to build a snowman. Just grab your binoculars and drive into the woods for bird watching. You’ll sense monetary victory and self-monopoly when you just watch feathered beings fly for free instead of launching yourself into the outrageously overpriced flight mode yourself. Thank me later, when you emerge as the next Salim Ali.

 

  1. Catching Pokémon while running like a goose in the neighbourhood park is too mainstream. Hop onto a car and catch double the number of Pokémon in half the time at 20 times the probability of crashing into a Pokestop you WON’T notice. Major Pro: You might actually end up in Pokémon purgatory and make history by being tormented by Pikachu’s thunderbolt attack.

 

  1. If the Bollywood buff within your heart always plays the right tune to the right circumstance, then well, while I can’t be the Aditya Chopra to your inconspicuous SRK, I can advise you to relive a sasti ‘Love you Zindagi’ by driving down roads flanked by nice green trees. What is it that you complain of? You’re an old schooler, you say? Worry not, you can yodel to ‘Zindagi ek Safar’ instead.

 

  1. It’s been a year AND YOU HAVEN’T DONE THE KIKI CHALLENGE?!     Congratulations, you’ve been royally kicked out of the pantheon of the cool kids. Drake officially hates you now. Noooooo. It can’t be the end just yet. Hush sweetie, wipe those tears of regret; why do you think we’re persistently nagging you to hit the road? Now hurry up and upload your video on TikTok before it gets banned in India yet again.

          ‘Kiki, do you love me…..’

          No I don’t. I listen to the rap god *fangirls at the diss tracks* .

 

  1. You’ve wasted more than a month running around like a headless chicken while doing internships for chicken feed. As a spring chicken, you ought to chicken out of this dreadful situation and chill on the roads.

Clay recorded a 14th reason in 13 reasons why, so I will add a 14th reason too.

  1. Legend has it that strolling around gave Charles Dickens his fair share of writing ideas. But we at The Alliance are considerate and would suggest you to get your hands on the steering wheel rather than chopping your thighs on your road to creating the next ‘Romeo and Juliet’.

Did you just question my literary base? Don’t blame me, I told ya, I need the roads like right NOW.

Please excuse the author’s temporary mental instability and permanent affectations while she hunts for her real car keys and imaginary driving license.

One comment
  1. Sudhanshu Mallick

    Amazing work “THE” Alliance. I find it the best Article till now.

    Hats off to the writer.

    The reckless collection of such crazy pharses even adds life to the so called “what is dead may never die.”

    Hope to see more like these artistic work.
    (Artistic because it needed some crazy skills to develop such godly flow of thought)

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