Seven Species of Cinema Goers
– By Urja Banati, Batch of 2022
After waiting for months for that one particular movie to reach the theatres, you sure do want it to be worth the wait. But does it always turn out that way? A perfect trailer, some heart-touching songs, your actor crush starring across the posters. What more would you want? Still, the movie is only half the experience, the other half includes the much important environment in which you deeply involve yourself in, while diving into a deep trove of emotions and excitement on the release date. While comparing the types of people in the theatre around me, I couldn’t help but notice that they exhibit tons of different physical, psychological, vocal and aptitude traits. In fact, they are so wildly variant that no sane biologist would ever label those individuals as being the same species. After having another one of my movie experiences devastated, I decided to list out the species of those thankless organisms.
- The Know-It-All Lemurs: This commonly occurring species can be found in almost 99.983647353% of movie halls and bless your soul if one of them happens to be sitting in your periphery! These are well known for bringing down the initial alacrity with which you came. Their habits include being unable to hold the mysteries of the movie they are obviously not watching for the first time. And of course, to extenuate the impact, as the climax nears the suspense plummets out of their mouth by mistake, duh!
- The Love Birds: This rather brave species, who would otherwise be hiding from their predators *ahem* the muhalle ki aunties *ahem*, find their coveted haven in some of the darkest, most discrete known places on the planet – the corners of every cinema hall. Mastering in the art of camouflage, if observed carefully they can be found involving themselves in the various ‘symbiotic acts of ardour’. Their shagged appearances as they anxiously look for another tree to establish their next temporary nest is a strong indication of an imminent call of the nature.
- The Vigilant Vultures: This species of sadistic predators is distinctly categorised by an obsessive routine of indulging in information exchange (the subjects for this exchange are usually observed to be hearsay, rumours, made-up stories, scandals and other uncategorised gossip). Their destitute of work and entertainment lures them here in search of it. Scientists are still in the process of figuring out their convoluted mindset from which the fictitious rumours spring out! The species particularly functions well in hostile environment, actively clubbing together and acting as one solid unbreakable unit of predators.
- The Daunting Donkey: Girls, are you are wearing shorts or a crop top? Congratulations you already have his attention! This allergic species is the prime reason for commonly observed annoyance in females of all species, clearly disparity is not their characteristic. The sole purpose of this species is to act as an “ass”. Living up to the name eh? Who could do it better?
- The Penguins of Madagascar: These are commonly referred as the mischief makers. Their natural habitat is the college canteen however they migrate to the theatre in certain favourable conditions. This migration peaks when certain hyped movies are released, especially those involving flying heroes, inter-galactic warfare, mutants and animated animals, raising their typical activity. It is advised to book your seats as far away from this group of hyper-active knuckleheads as possible.
- The Lone Wolf: This is that rare and fearless species which is unaffected by the society standards. Their bleak faces show no sign of emotions. Being non-reactive to the surroundings is their trademark. This species can prove to be fatal to theatre owners and employees if a disastrous movie does not offer considerable refund.
- The Jumping Jackals: This species could easily descend any financial guru into madness. Making the most out of one ticket is their speciality. These have been seen shifting from one hall to another, getting the taste of all the movies at the price of one or bringing non-native consumable food items into the biosphere. Who said there was a lack of talent in India huh?
P.S: Homo sapiens aka humans were not enlisted as they prefer staying at home to Netflix and chill.